October 14, 2011
Artificially Enhanced

As fishermen, we develop relationships with the rivers we fish.  Case in point, I would say I have a live-in, albeit open, relationship with my home river the Deschutes.  I have a friend, however, who has a completely monogamous relationship with the Deschutes.  In fact, up until we met, he hadn’t cheated on her in probably five years.  Maybe I’ve been a poor influence, but then again, neither of us took an oath.

There’s a creek in Washington State, an oasis in the middle of the desert, that is chock full of big rainbow trout.   The hatches are prolific, and consequently the fish are as discriminating as a French viticulturist at an international wine tasting convention.  The water itself is a spring creek, crystal clear, with waving fronds of green clinging to the clay bottom.  One of the most heavily regulated fisheries in Washington, in order to protect the delicate substrate, wading is prohibited.  It is fly fishing only - eliminating the chuck-and-duckers of most tail waters and freestone rivers.  As for the fish themselves, it is rare to see a fish less than 16 inches.  And “see” is appropriate as it is mostly a sight fishery.  The biggest trout of my life was pulled from among a pod of close to a dozen feeders.  26 inches.  9 pounds.  Sight fishing.  And it ran all over the pool with brain-imprinting jumps, tail-walks, and 5x straining head shakes. 

                It’s like a strip club – perfect in most men’s southerly-brained thinking.

                But like all perfect places, this one isn’t.  It’s fake.  Chock full of more implanted fun than a Las Vegas show girl.  And while a stripper may not say “yes” to going on a date with you, we both know that has less to do with her lofty taste in men, and a whole lot more to do with her being asked out on a dozen dates a night.  And sure the fish are discriminating, but not so much due to the fact that your size 24 midge has size 22 hackle, but more so due to the fact that each fish has been stuck more times than a voodoo doll on Halloween.  And like most strippers with implant scars, smoker’s skin, and eighties hair that is only partially covered by poor lighting and over applied makeup, the majority of these fish are kind of ugly if you take too close of a look. 

                Once, when I was ten, my Dad took me to a state run hatchery.  This was early in my fly-fishing career, and seeing all of those giant trout lazily suspended like Sumo Wrestlers relaxing on the couch forever changed the way I saw trout.  Up to that point I had no clue that they could become much larger than the ten incher (a fish that to that point was twice as big as every other fish I had landed) I had proudly pulled from the thirty inch wide irrigation ditch that ran in front of our house.  And let’s be honest, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been fishing, or at what stage you supposedly are at as a fisherman, size matters.  And it was these grotesquely huge fish in the artificially oxygenated pens that stuck in my mind for the next twelve years, but I didn’t think that fish of that caliber could be caught by just anybody.  I figured the only way I would ever get a chance at fish like that was to either break into a hatchery under cover of night, or become rich and travel the world, and do the whole pay-to-play deal.  The discovery of this Washington spring creek gave me the hope and realization that a blue-collar fly-fisherman, who chooses to spend triple-digit days on the water every year rather than make any real money, has a chance at a trophy trout.  Every time I walk up to this creek, I feel a little dirty – like maybe I’m sneaking into a hatchery, or walking into a strip club.  And I definitely don’t want anybody I know to see me there.  Every time I leave, the afterglow is bittersweet, like I’ve just experienced something amazing, and at the same time cheated on every wild trout I’ve ever caught.

                And yet, if I spend enough time away, I feel a burning desire to return… and I always do.

                Like dating a stripper, who might just look real nice hanging from your arm, and might even make a lot of men jealous until they find out she’s a stripper; That 9 pound trout is going to look real good in its frame on my wall, I’ll just have to lie about where I caught her.

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